... or at least that's what it feels like most days. This illness has totally killed anything we once had, he is pretty much my carer, he does the washing, the shopping, the bins, the dishes, walks the dog twice a day, entertains and takes our son T swimming, to drama and to rugby classes, he cooks every day, puts T to bed and even though he knows how much I struggle, I think he just doesn't see it sometimes. I try my best to help out as much as I possibly can, in fact most days I do way more than I physically should (which has resulted in me getting worse over the years), but at the end of the day he does more than the average husband and resentment is coming between us.
I can't remember the last time we laughed together, in fact I hardly ever see him smile. He is constantly moody which in turn causes an atmosphere and so I just try to keep quiet. I can't remember the last time we had a meaningful conversation, talked about the future, our wishes and dreams etc. but I guess that is a lot to do with not knowing what the future holds for me - of course, in reality no one knows what the future holds but even going on holiday would be too exhausting for me, we haven't been away since early 2012 after I had recovered from my bowel cancer op and then it was just the two of us, now we have our son to add to the mix. I know that hubby would love to go to Vegas one day but it would be way too challenging physically for me plus now that I am no longer working and my savings have run out, money is tight because we have to pay for childcare every month, we didn't even get to go on honeymoon, so as you can see, it's understandable that he is not happy, sometimes I just want to run away or worse, I feel that they would be better off without me.
When we first met I had only just started to show symptoms, meaning I could work and could exercise, obviously not as much as I once had but enough to keep my weight down. Since getting worse over the years and also developing pain from Fibromyalgia it is absolutely impossible for me to exercise. I used to love love love dancing, I used to go two or three times a week so was dancing at least 4 hours a week, plus I'd also do work outs at home and go to the gym & sometimes practice yoga, now that I can hardly walk up a flight of stairs I am three and half stone heavier than I was when we met, so it's no wonder he no longer fancies me, in fact I can hardly look at myself in the mirror.
I know that my health conditions make married life difficult and horribly complicated and as much as I struggle I know that he does too (in a different way). It's not helped by the fact that this illness is invisible and because I am proud, I try not to show when I am in pain or struggling with exhaustion, I just cope by crying when everyone has gone to bed and get cuddles from our faithful labrador.
I guess he knew what he was signing up for when we got married and it's O.K for him not to be O.K with it all sometimes too. However one of his best friends had it and got better and I think that he thinks this could happen to me, where as in reality his friend was probably suffering from Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome from which people do recover.
I think that we both just have to realise that life isn't a fairytale for a lot of people for lots of different reasons and this is the hand that we have been dealt and we just have to get on with it as best we can.
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